Living the life of a miserable Christian is the easiest thing in the world. Most people find this hard to believe, but trust me, it’s easier than you think.

1. Always put your family and your personal activities ahead of God. Always. If you think about how much time it takes to read your Bible and spend time in prayer, you see that you just can’t manage it. Five minutes should do it. Read your chapter a day for sure. Don’t feel bad about thinking of your dinner plans or what to wear to work while you do. That’s no big deal. Be sure to end with giving God your list of things you want Him to do. It’s always good to whine a little about what He hasn’t done for you, too.

2. Never, ever tithe or give money to the offering. Any of these excuses work well.

A. I can’t afford to tithe.

B. The church is only interested in my money.

C. I tried it once and it didn’t do any good.

Feel free to complain a lot about all your debt while the offering basket is being passed.

3. Ignore other people. Potlucks, prayer meetings, lunch dates–it’s all so time-consuming. Best to ignore them and do your own thing. Better yet, find someone else who can’t be bothered either and the two of you can complain about everything with each other. Then, when you really need help, you can sit at home and really let the misery set in when you have no one to call.

There are lots of other ways to live the miserable Christian life, but follow these simple steps and you’ve nailed it. If you do any of them now, then you’re nearly there!